Friday, January 1, 2010

Kitty Catastrophies

Thanks to the extensive blogging of a man living in what he has dubbed "Hello Kitty Hell" (his wife collects literally anything and everything featuring Hello Kitty), the internet community (and some day the world) can be made aware of the extent of this vile plague that has been sweeping the world uncountered for entirely to long (thanks a lot, Japan). I have yet to come across a single person who can present even so much as one good reason for the popularity of this simplistic oval headed cat. Being targeted at teenagers, as opposed to toddlers, one might expect the creators to have employed at least a slightly higher level of complexity and detail when developing this smash hit character. Hello Kitty (the alias she adopted while on the run after the gruesome murder of her then arch nemesis, Goodbye Catnip (jk)), who's real name is "Kitty White" (is it just me or does that sound vaguely like a bad porn star name?), lives with her equally uncreativly named family (rivaled perhaps only by the Berenstain Bears), which consists of her parents George and Mary White, and twin sister Mimmy White. Thirty six and still living at home... is it just me or does that not exactly scream role model?

All said and out of the way, I now bring you 25 Hello Kitty products that SHOULD NOT EXIST!

#1) Such as inked Punisher style on to your body for life...

#2) Or on far from people shaped jeans.

#3) Hello Kitty Ferrari O_o It should be a crime to to ruin such an gorgeous car.

#4) Hello Kitty beehive. Yes, those words did just come straight from my keyboard, and I am shocked and yet oddly fascinated in a train wreck sort of way... (if i were a bee living in that hive, I would have to arrange to be obliterated by a train wreck)

#5) Hello Kitty Taser. Because there are lots of shady potential attackers out there who really want her..... debit card. (what did you think I was gonna say?)

#6) Hello Kitty debit card. Some poor guy's wife's twisted idea of cute...

#7) Hello Kitty Sid Vicious mural. Who's idea was this???

#8) Hello Kitty barqa. Seriously? I say no wonder the middle east is pissed at us!

#9) Hello Kitty Lois Vuitton bong. That is wrong on so many levels!

#10) Hello Kitty arm band. This one has to be accompanied by a bit of an explanation (followed by inevitable shock/incredulity, and possibly a google search or two to confirm that im not bullshitting you). The Thailand police department has come up with what may just be the cruelest possible method of keeping their officers in line and up to scratch (bet you anything it works!). If an officer does not live up to the job standards expected of them (which cant possibly be to high, considering what goes on in Thailand), they are made to wear one of these on duty.

#11) Wow, im not sure I even have words for this one. Hello Kitty briefs... Girls, DO NOT buy these (or anything similar) for your husband/boyfriend (or anybody else for that matter). No man deserves this kind of twisted torture and humiliation.

#12) Where else does Hello Kitty not belong? In deep space, plastered on our favorite villains... Everybody likes to change their look from time to time, but there are certain limits that just shouldn't be pushed... ever.

#13) As if Hello Kitty condoms (disguised as lollipops) alone are not enough of a horror, there are matching condom keepers to put them in...

#14) This, my dear horrified readers, is unfortunately exactly what it looks like. A place to use those Hello Kitty condoms. As if Japanese "love hotels" aren't creepy enough already, this one has its very own Hello Kitty S & M room. A few words of advice for boyfriends/husbands(/slaves?) of Hello Kitty fanatics... if your wife or girlfriend suggests a trip to Japan, pack a bag, and RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS! My deepest sympathy to those who don't escape in time...

#15) If your dog happens to have hip dysplasia, do the poor thing a favor and don't even consider getting it a Hello Kitty hip dysplasia brace. Not only would this increase its suffering, it may also bring on horrible revenge that has probably been coming to you for a long time if you would even think of such a thing...

#16) Hello Kitty lawn mower... oh so wrong.

#17) Hello Kitty ink is bad enough... but cutting her likeness in to (or should that be "out of"?) your skin, with the intent to scar the image on to your leg (irreversibly, short of removal of the maimed leg in question).... well, lets just say im scarred for life as well.

#18) Everybody knows that Hello Kitty loves her guns. Here are just 3 of the ones available to fanatics (is it just me or should these people not be allowed weapons??). Hello Kitty Sig Sauer p226, AR-15 assault rifle, and AK-47. Hey Blake, I totally know what I would get you for your next birthday, if you weren't such a good shot...

#19) Hello Kitty welding mask, for that special welder in your life that hasn't suffered enough...

#20) I am thoroughly ashamed to be counted as one of todays youth when they now feel the need to tag walls with Hello Kitty. I am a firm believer in graffiti as an art form (although I do not do it myself), but if I saw somebody doing this there might just be an immediate confiscation of their spray paint (by force, if need be), followed by the loud delivery of a piece of my mind, accompanied by the appropriate expletives... ok maybe not, but I would be glaring daggers for sure.

#21) 18k gold Hello Kitty cell phone charm, costing $462, and the sanity of whoever gets pushed in to buying this for someone.

#22) Hello Kitty portable body fat meter, because if a cartoon feline telling you your fat wont make you drop that burger and hop on a treadmill, nothing will.

#23) Just when I thought it couldn't get any more disturbing, I must bring you the Hello Kitty Honda NSR motorcycle. Sometimes a vehicle looks better totaled...

#24) A Hello Kitty marriage certificate, to make a Hello Kitty wedding legit. What significant other in their right mind would submit to such horror?? This guy is obviously (it has to be said, everybody together now...) "pussy whipped"!

~~~~~~Congrats, you made it this far, now its grand finale time!~~~~~~~

#25) Last but by no means least, and probably the most horrifying... Hello Kitty cocaine (in case it's not totally obvious). On April 13th 2008 when Guatemalan anti-narcotics officers confiscated 1.2 tons of cocaine destined for Mexico, what they expected and what they found were surely two entirely different things.
Hello Kitty OD, taken to a whole new level. Perhaps this explains why she doesn't need a mouth, because it's nothing so innocent as powdered sugar on that "cute" little nose.